Legion of Super-Heroes Re-Read – “Twelve Hours to Live!” (Adventure Comics #378, March, 1969)

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It’s Brainiac 5’s birthday, and at least a few of his friends have decided to celebrate with him. Superboy, Duo Damsel, Karate Kid and Princess Projectra have gifted him with a Lumna-Organ. (No, that’s not something dirty!) Not at all baffled by receiving a musical instrument he’s never played, Brainy teaches himself in minutes, and has his friends swingin’ to the tunes. It’s still the Sixties, even if it is the 2960s.

One might not expect our young friend with the 12th level intellect to take so readily to music. I thought it was a nice touch, meaningful to me particularly because one of the smartest men I ever knew, a dear friend and mentor, collected pipe organs. Alas, Alzheimer’s has robbed him of his ability to play or enjoy them any longer. But Brainy is young and ingenious forever. That’s the beauty of fictional friends.

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Legion of Super-Heroes Re-Read – “Heroes for Hire!” (Adventure Comics #377, February, 1969)

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No, not those Heroes for Hire. This story came three years before the first issue of Luke Cage, Hero For Hire, nine years before Luke and Iron Fist formed the company Heroes for Hire, and 28 years before Marvel published the first issue of Heroes for Hire. (The original Power Man / Iron First team was the real basis for the Netflix series, The Defenders, which has nothing to do with the original Bronze Age comic of the same name. Netflix is rumored to have gone with “The Defenders” because, as illustrated here, audiences get squeamish about the idea of heroes getting money for their services. They prefer that rich, powerful people or corporations fund their super heroes, an idea older than King Arthur and my 97-greats Uncle Charlemagne.

That, children, is what feudalism is all about, and we do love us some feudalism in these United States.

Which is why this story bothered me, the first time I read it, a dozen or so years ago. Yes, the Legionnaires are acting like Bastard People (for a reason, this time!), putting their desire to earn money apparently ahead of their concern for life and public safety. But a lot of the public outrage toward them seemed to me to be directed at the very idea that they would make money. Which is silly, because the Legionnaires are underwritten by the richest man in the universe and his corporation, and by the United Planets government. If either of those entities were to order the Legion to deny service to a person or a world, what would happen? That idea wasn’t explored in the Silver Age.

But, honestly, I liked this story better on a second reading. It really doesn’t focus that much on public outrage. It focuses more on a sense of “What the hell is the Legion doing?” which is classic in Silver Age stories, if maybe a bit outdated by 1969, especially in what had been one of the most forward-looking books in all of DC Comics. Probably the most.

So criminals are escaping the Science Police and hiding out on the planet Modo, a world protected by an entity called Modulus, and apparently welcoming to all evil. The Legion gets involved when criminals steal mind-altering drugs from a UP research facility. We get to see Brainy have a psychedelic trip, and Win Mortimer and Jack Abel show off some pretty 1960s graphics. One of the criminals is caught, and then we get to see a truly chilling psychic interrogation, in which the thief is told that “Anything you think may be held against you.”

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Legion of Super-Heroes Re-Read – “The Execution of Chameleon Boy!” (Adventure Comics #376, January, 1969)

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After the fairly dismal experience that was “King of the Legion!” this happy little adventure was a breath of fresh air, focusing on one popular but often underused Legionnaire, and making him sympathetic and even kind of noble. That Legionnaire is Chameleon Boy, and, considering he actually stole victory in last issue’s contest from Chemical King, it’s nice to see him further redeemed.

To be fair, he had already redeemed himself at the end of last issue—we just didn’t know it until this story explained what happened. As far as we knew last time, Bouncing Boy had won the contest which was to determine the mightiest Legionnaire, so that that member could go somewhere and fight someone. He immediately vanished, and a voice told the Legionnaires the battle was joined. Except that then another Bouncing Boy had appeared, and a quick x-ray vision check of fingerprints revealed that this was the real one.

So who got spirited away?

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Legion of Super-Heroes Re-Read – “King of the Legion” (Adventure Comics #375, December, 1968)

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Jim Shooter curtailed a lot of the harshness and nastiness with which the Legionnaires had treated each other during their first 46 issues in Adventure Comics, making what I call the “Bastard People” effect less noticeable. But King of the Legion? This thing is freaking Bastard People porn.

On an asteroid, the Legionnaires meet the Wanderers, a previously unheard-of super team. They shake hands and swear eternal friendship. Ornitho, one of the Wanderers’ number, demonstrates his power to turn into any kind of bird. The others don’t demonstrate, or get names, except for their leader, Celebrand. Kind of an interesting oversight.

Shortly after they part company with the Legion, the Wanderers fly near the Nefar Nebula and are temporarily turned into criminals. Meanwhile, the Legion has returned to Earth, where Superboy will test a supposedly indestructible armor plate for the Galactic Security Force—by flying into is full speed. Now the plate is invulnerable and so is Superboy. But the plate doesn’t look especially well-anchored. It seems the result would be simply that it would move when he hits it. Or, if it is somehow anchored, we’ll find out what happens when an irresistible force hits and immovable object. And they’re performing this stunt on Earth. You’d heard the expression NIMBY—Not In My Back Yard? I would think every citizen of Earth would be shouting NOMFP about this. I’ll let you work out the acronym yourself.

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The Colonel’s Plan – Never Cry Over a Flipped Sink

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October 11th, 2017

Dear Daddy –

I’m sure you’ll agree that a sink is a silly thing to cry over, much less two sinks. Nevertheless, when I had mounted the two regency blue sinks into the mosaic tile countertop this afternoon, and flipped it over to ensure that they had a chance of staying mounted when gravity was applied, I found myself in tears. I literally burst into tears. It was the sense of relief, I guess, and gratification that the job was almost finished. 45 years ago it must have been that you described to me a bathroom with dual sinks on a long counter, gracing that upstairs bathroom. I envisioned something grand and luxurious, something classy and swank. Two sinks, on a long countertop. It was the sort of thing you would see in the restroom at a high class restaurant, the kind where, my sister assured me, one did not order a hamburger. Where one ordered steak and had a beer on the rocks. Continue reading →

Legion of Super-Heroes Re-Read – “Mission Diabolical” (Adventure Comics #374, November, 1968)

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This adventure should have come under the heading “Underused Hero Showcase.” Aside from new Legion leader Ultra Boy, it focuses largely on heroes who have not appeared much lately. I discussed Element Lad’s scant appearances last time. Supergirl was mostly a no-show throughout the Legion’s Adventure run. Matter-Eater Lad had been absent for a while. Like E-Lad, his first Shooter appearance waited until “The Outlawed Legionnaires!” Then he went ten issues without an appearance. Dream Girl fared a little better than these two, although she waited just as long to first appear under Shooter, and didn’t do much then. In between the “Outlawed Legionnaires” and this issue she had an obligatory appearance in “Mutiny of the Super-Heroines” and a cameo in the Mordru saga.

Whether Shooter disliked these characters, who seemed to be heavily employed whenever Bridwell did a fill-in, I don’t know. Maybe he was just overwhelmed at the number of Legionnaires he had to keep up with.

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Legion of Super-Heroes Re-Read – “The Tornado Twins” (Adventure Comics #373, October, 1968)

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“Can you spot the clever comic clues? Who are the Tornado Twins?”

So the cover of Adventure Comics #373 teases us. As befits their name, Dawn and Don, twin redheads with familiar super powers, take the world by storm.

We open in a 30th-Century school, where students don headsets and watch slideshows—gasp!—while awake! A busybody inspector tells their teacher that he’s setting education back a thousand years by not using “good, old-fashioned sleep learning!” Um, if it’s an old-fasioned method, how is he setting education back by not using it?

But we learn quickly that these students can’t sleep through their lessons. They’re Legionnaires and must be always on call. Sun Boy and Phantom Girl demonstrate by flying out of the classroom to deal with an emergency. Of course, the leave a lot of other students there. Who are they? Geek Squad?

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Legion of Super-Heroes Re-Read – “The Origin of the Legion!” (Superboy #147, June, 1968)

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E. Nelson Bridwell turns out one more Legion story for this 80-page Giant edition of Superboy, celebrating the team’s 10th Anniversary year. Pencils and inks are by Jimmy Olsen regular Pete Costanza. And the subject is, as advertised, the long-awaited origin of the Legion. We’ve known since Adventure #350 that R.J. Brande, the richest man in the universe, bankrolls the group. But it’s startling for modern readers to realize that Brande, who was created by Bridwell, was unheard of for nearly the entire first decade of the group’s existence. He had only appeared twice before this. It was this story, more than any other, which turned that trend around and made him a pivotal figure, not only a donor, but the man who founded the group and gave it its start.

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If You Force Me to Choose Sides, You May Not Like the Side I Choose

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A few years ago, it was rumored that an unpopular President had called the Constitution of the United States, “just a goddamned piece of paper!” And those who even considered the possibility that he had actually said the words were outraged. The very idea that our Chief Executive would express disrespect for the document which defines our government! Now a retired Supreme Court Justice is calling for the repeal of the Second Amendment, one of ten amendments that make up the Bill of Rights. I am, again, outraged. Only my outrage will be permanent. This is not a rumor. Justice Stevens called for it on the Op Ed page of the New York Times.

While, it’s true that I actively despise Hillary Clinton, I do not consider myself a conservative, nor, in spirit, a Republican. Yet if the anti-gun lobby decides to follow his lead, they will have accomplished something that Hillary never could during Election 2016. They will have forced me to choose sides. And in this silly battle of false dichotomies, I shall choose to stand with the Bill of Rights, and with the party that can successfully oppose its dissection.

Justice Stevens’s words are not a call for common sense or school safety. They are a call to take a knife to a set of principles which have protected our freedom for more than two centuries. Democratic party be warned: if you go down this path, you’re not only losing the middle ground, you’re actively pissing all over those of us who are standing on it.

Legion of Super-Heroes Re-Read – “School for Super-Villains” (Adventure Comics #372, September 1968)

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Recapping last issue, Colossal Boy’s parents have been turned to glass and kidnapped. CB, by way of ransom, is sharing confidential information about the Legion Academy’s training methods. He’s been expelled from the Legion and now walks the streets of 30th Century Metropolis a broken young man.

Adding insult to injury, the Science Police accost Gim (Colossal Boy) Allon and tell him he’s under arrest for betraying the Legion. They’re key to U.P. Security and actions taken against them are something approaching treason. But Gim knows his parents are in enough danger now that he can’t get more information from the Academy. He’s not going to rot in jail while they’re turned into decorative fill for fancy glass containers. He shoots up to giant size and flies away. Very quickly, he’s reunited with the goons who glassed his parents last issue.

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