I guess I’ve seen and done a lot in 43 years of work. I’ve done interesting work and known remarkable people. I’m never at a loss when someone says, “Tell me an interesting fact about yourself.”

A dozen books published, three times that many conventions planned, countless articles, stories, novels, scripts, software packages written, fifty plays written, directed or acted, and half again that many radio plays. I’ve found mentors and coached promising young people. I’ve developed a reputation as a guy who will find the answers.

But, when I look back… I feel no nostalgia. Not for my time on the job, not for rehearsing all those shows and running myself ragged at those cons… maybe a little for the people I’ve met along the way, the ones who are no longer here, or who are just distant. I’m almost always happy to see old friends when they emerge. I will tell stories about funny things that happened.

But, aside from cherished moments with my wife, my children, my grandchildren, my dearest friends and family, I don’t find myself looking backward. I don’t find myself saying, “I wish things could be like that again,” especially about the work I’ve done.

I tend to throw myself into my work full force. I do the job as if my life depends on it. I get very intense. Sometimes that rubs people the wrong way. That hasn’t changed. I’m still that way when I work.

But, staring down age 60, I look back and ask myself, “Was it worth it?”

And, you know, I’m just not sure. I don’t believe in regrets. Everything is tuition. Every mark in the debit column is just the price you paid to learn. So, yeah, everything I’ve done is worthwhile. I suppose the real question is, “Did my efforts bring me what I was striving for?” The follow-up question is, “What was I striving for?” Short answer: I was striving to feel like I matter.

So, do I matter? No false modesty here. Of course I do. I see that and have it reinforced by others on an almost-daily basis.

Final question: “Is it enough, to matter?”

Final answer…

Nope.

So my short answer doesn’t cut it. I don’t know what I’m striving for. And all those past accomplishments were achieved by a guy who was pushing forward hard, without a direction.

I don’t mind talking about the past. Feel free to engage me about it. It can be very interesting. But, if you really want to interest me, talk about the future. No predictions. I have abandoned trying to anticipate outcomes. It’s a fool’s game. I’d just like to hear some ideas. Bring me some “maybes,” some “could-bes,” some “wouldn’t-it-be-cools.”

Maybe… just maybe, I’ll pour all that I am into one of those. Will it be worth it?

Only one way to find out.